


Starving in Suburbia

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 10:52:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4134759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Minseok struggles with an eating disorder and Jongdae confronts him about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Starving in Suburbia

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Any thoughts regarding matters such as different body types and health are portrayed through the view of a fictional character with an eating disorder and are not meant to comment on actual people or situations. Furthermore, I am not a doctor or otherwise educated in medicine and thus, all things regarding health or medication might not be 100% accurate. Title inspired by the movie with the same name.

Minseok groaned, cracking his eyes open to peer at the watch he put on the bedside table just the night before. In the dim light he could barely make out the numbers but after a few seconds of squinting he decided that five fifty-three seemed like a plausible time. He rolled onto his back, sighing. It was his day off so he wouldn't have to get up just yet even though he had agreed to meet Jongdae for lunch. Just the thought of it made him cringe and he closed his eyes, focusing on more pressing matters. His throat felt dry and tongue void of moisture but he didn't want to drink, would it mess up the numbers when he weighed himself in the morning. Deciding to ignore the nagging need to drink, he turned over and urged himself to go back to sleep.

○●○

The next time he woke up, it was because of his phone. He rolled over onto his side, sliding his finger across the screen to turn his alarm off. The glowing screen announced the time as ten precisely. Unlocking the phone, he proceeded to click the tiny icon, telling him he had six new likes and a comment on his instagram account. He opened the picture he’d uploaded before going to bed, a black and white image displaying a girl on her back, hip bones and ribs clearly protruding. Thirty-eight likes. Eyes sweeping over the caption - “wish that was me…”, he read the comments. Most of them were short, unoriginal; “same”, “goals”, “omg, love!!”. Suddenly a new one popped up, making Minseok frown. It was a user he didn’t recognize, though that was most of them, but the text was longer, more invested. “She seems a bit too skinny… Is that really healthy?...”. Minsok snorted, rolling his eyes. What was this person, did they just stumble across the picture by mistake? Probably, he concluded, putting his phone away again. Dragging himself out of bed, he walked over to the bathroom. He put the seat up on the toilet - taking it down every time being a habit stuck from when he used to have a cat as a kid - and relieved himself quickly. After finishing and flushing he turned towards the mirror, absentmindedly washing his hands while his eyes scanned critically over his body. He turned the water off and dried his hands, looking in the mirror and turning on to his side. Sucking his tummy, he ran his hands over the skin, fingers dragging over barely visible ribs and hip bones. He sighed, pulling the scale out from underneath a cabinet. He quickly shredded his boxers, taking a deep breath and stepping onto the smooth glass scale. The numbers shifted around for a second before settling. 52.6 kg, 116 lbs. He stepped off and back on, the digital numbers once again shifting around before settling. 52.6 kg. He let out a frustrated sigh, right hand going up to grip tightly at his hair. Fuck. He knew he shouldn’t had pigged out like that yesterday. He pushed the scale back underneath the cabinet with a foot, reaching over to grab a shirt to pull over his head. Avoiding the mirror on the way out, he walked back into the bedroom, sitting down on his still messy bed. He went through the day in his head. Skipping breakfast was easy, as he lived alone, but lunch would be trickier. He knew he couldn’t cancel on Jongdae, not again, and, as it was planned beforehand, he couldn’t say he had already eaten… He sighed deeply, pulling his knees up to his face. Maybe he could eat just a little. There was no way he’d rely on being able to purge, not after last time he’d binged and gotten almost nothing back up. Besides, if he was lucky he’d be able to skip dinner and then a small lunch would be fine. He settled on keeping it under 300 calories, in case something more would show up.

He reached for his phone and pressed the home-button, lighting up the screen. Ten twenty-three. If he were to be on time, he should start to get ready. He slowly stood up, walking over to his wardrobe and picking out some clean clothes. After pulling on a pair of faded jeans and a big sweater, he made his way to the kitchen in order to put on some water for tea. Green tea to kick-start metabolism and burn calories, his mind helpfully supplied. While the electric kettle boiled, he went over to one of the cabinets, pulling out a small cardboard box and emptying the contents on the counter top. The diet pills were small, almost mockingly so, in Minseok’s eyes. After all, he payed good money for them. Grabbing two, he swallowed them down with a glass of water before refilling the small plastic container left on the counter. After putting everything back in their original places, he finished brewing his tea, sipping it as he slipped the plastic box into a tote bag swung over the back of a chair.

○●○

Walking down the street, Minseok shivered slightly. Even though the sun was out the air was still chilly when a gust of wind swept by. Glancing at his watch, he noted that he was still a few minutes early but when he looked up, he could already spot a brightly smiling Jongdae approach him on the sidewalk. Smiling back, he raised a hand in a small greeting, getting an enthusiastic wave back.  
“Minnie~” Jongdae beamed, jogging the last few paces before enveloping the slightly smaller male in a hug.  
Minseok carefully returned the hug, his nose picking up on a nice, fresh smell clinging to Jongdae.  
“New cologne?” he inquired, as he pulled back, one hand lingering on the other’s upper arm.  
Jongdae hummed in confirmation, eyes soft as he let his thumb brush over Minseok’s cheek.  
“I ran out of my old one and couldn’t find it in the store. Though it wouldn’t hurt to try something new though…” he explained, voice soft with badly disguised affection, making Minseok smile. Giving Minseok’s shoulder one last squeeze, he pulled back.  
“Ready to go?” he questioned, “I thought we could go to this really nice place Yixing showed me, it’s Chinese-Mongolian-Something, I think. And I heard they make great baozis…~” he beamed.  
“Great,” Minseok mumbled, forcing a smile. He knew Jongdae hadn’t meant anything bad by the remark, referring to the nickname Minseok’s friend Lu Han and given him. Still, it made his stomach churn unpleasantly, the idea of that people associated him with fatty street food sneaking into his head as a dark reminder of how fat he was. Still, he faked a smile, following Jongdae obediently. The latter, completely oblivious to Minseok’s inner turmoil, kept talking happily, reaching out to link his hand with the latter, their fingers entwined as they walked.

As they entered the restaurant, the warm air filled with the smell of various spices hit them. Minseok’s stomach grumbled and he looked away, embarrassed, as Jongdae chuckled softly.  
“Hungry?” he questioned, earning a shrug from Minseok in response.  
“Don’t worry,” he smiled, as he pulled Minseok with him to take a seat. “We’ll be eating in no time~”  
Minseok kept quiet but nodded as a waiter made his way over and took their drink orders (coke for Jongdae, water for Minseok). They looked through the menus but he eventually settled on letting Jongdae order for the both of them as the waiter came back with their drinks, only nodding and smiling politely in agreement as Jongdae spoke.

As they waited for the food, Jongdae spoke vividly about something that Minseok wasn’t quite sure of but he thought he heard something about Yixing, Yifan and “crazy hot hot sauce”. He nodded and laughed in the right places, sipping his water. Still, his mind wasn’t quite there. He fiddled nervously with his hands under the table, the middle finger and thumb of his right hand automatically going to wrap around his left wrist, checking how much space he could make between the circled fingers and his wrist. His thoughts and Jongdae’s monologue however got interrupted as the food arrived. Minseok tried to push away the voice echoing in his head, telling him not to eat as Jongdae picked up a steamed bun with his chopsticks and happily reached over the table to feed Minseok who forced a smile and opened his mouth.

Fat, fat, fucking fatass. Gross fucking fat pig. Fucking whale. Minseok felt like crying. He had tried so hard to eat as little as possible during lunch but he was pretty sure he’d still surpassed his 300 calorie-limit. Even as he had sneaked off to the bathroom and swallowed down two more diet pills, the guilt didn’t leave him. He stared at his own reflection in the mirror. Chubby cheeks, hardly visible collarbones, fat, fat, fat!  
He was startled out of his thoughts by a short knock on the door, followed by Jongdae's voice, slightly muffled by the wooden barrier.  
“Sorry to disturb, it’s just, I got a text from Jongin, he’s going clubbing and he wondered if I, well, we, wanted to join, and he wants answers, “like, asap”, apparently,” Jongdae explained, his voice going weirdly nasal as he tried to imitate Jongin’s voice. Minseok smiled softly at his boyfriend’s antics, heart aching with affection. Biting his lip, he glanced to the mirror before replying.  
“Ah… Actually, I’m a bit tired so I was thinking of going home… but you should go!”  
He could almost hear the hesitance in the pause before Jongdae's voice reached his ears again.  
“You sure?” he wondered softly, “I mean, if you’re tired you could sleep here, we could just stay in if you want to?...”  
Minseok sighed, chest still warm with the emotions Jongdae brought out in him. Turning to the door, he unlocked it and stepped out, meeting Jongdae’s concerned face.  
“It’s fine, really,” Minseok assured with a soft smile, hands going up to rest on Jongdae’s shoulders, squeezing softly.  
“I’m not going to be any fun anyway, I’m just gonna sleep. You go have fun. Besides, if Jongin’s going out I think he’s going to need someone trustworthy at the end of the night…” he emphasised the statement by raising an eyebrow, silently hinting at countless times someone had had to pick up a hungover Jongin, after figuring out the task of where he even were, as that was not always obvious.  
Jongdae smiled in response, leaning down to kiss Minseok softly, a silent agreement.  
“Do you want me to drive you home?” he murmured against the laters lips. Now, that was an offer Minseok couldn’t turn down.

○●○

Minseok wasn’t quite sure when it had started. Maybe it had been during his high school years, surrounded by constant pressure to perform in one way or another, or maybe even before that. It wasn’t like he’d just woken up one morning and decided to hate himself. Maybe it had started already as a kid. Minseok knew he had always been chubby, but he’d grown up in a wonderful, loving home with parents who liked to spoil him maybe a little too much. But he’d always been healthy. As a kid and early teenager he had played football, usually with Lu Han and later with the school team but he hadn’t liked the competition that it spurred, which had eventually resulted in him quitting. He’d still played for fun every now and then, but then without the competition. He couldn't remember the first time someone had called him “fat”, but he thought maybe it might have been in a fight, kid yelling whatever bad things they could think of. At the time it happened, it probably hadn’t even fazed him. He wasn't fat, just a bit chubby. Besides, there was nothing wrong with being fat, right?  
He couldn't remember when exactly he started to realise that the other boys in his class always were a little taller, a little slimmer, a little more muscular. He thought he had mentioned it to Lu Han once, just a statement, briefly, fleetingly, and the later ha smiled and pinched his cheeks, telling him that “but you’re cuter!”.  
He couldn’t remember the first time he had consciously skipped a meal. Maybe it had been during the time he still told himself, “just a few kilos, just to be healthy, not too much”.  
He did remember the first time he’d stuck his fingers down his throat and tried to make himself throw up. He couldn’t remember what he’d eaten or what had pushed him to do it, but he remembers standing in the bathroom, making sure that the music in his room beside would drown out any suspicious noises, tears and snot running down his face as he gagged again and again.  
He remembered that he couldn’t get anything up and he remembers the crushing feeling of self loathing, one that he sometimes feel like it comes back, stronger and stronger every time, and sometimes feel like it never left.  
He remembers the first time he bought diet pills. Barely turned eighteen, he had looked them up online, picked carefully and saved up his money. His hands had been clammy and his heart beating rapidly as he walked into the pharmacy, forcing a smile towards the cashier. But she hadn’t said anything, hadn’t stopped him. Of course not, it was obvious he needed them, after all.  
He couldn’t remember when he had started counting calories or started fearing eating anything he didn’t know the nutritional values of. He couldn’t remember. But he wasn’t sick. Everyone was a bit unhappy with their looks, right? Nothing wrong with losing a little bit of weight. Especially not when being as fat as him. And it wasn’t like he was doing something really dangerous. Just cutting down on a few meals, just for a little while, just until he was skinny…

Minseok looked at his reflection. Sometimes it felt like he spent half his life in front of mirrors, poking, prodding, criticising…  
Jongdae had asked him to stay over again and this time he had given in. He had declined so many times, he was running out of excuses. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to spend time with Jongdae but he knew he couldn’t tell him the truth. He could just imagine that conversation… “Staying over? I don’t know… Don’t you think I’m a bit too fat for that? Really, wouldn’t want to scare you away!”  
Yeah, it was no way that was happening anytime soon, or ever. He bit his lip, closing his eyes. Jongdae was so sweet, so beautiful. He really couldn’t have asked for a better boyfriend. He didn’t deserve it but he was way too selfish, too deep in love to be able to just let him go.  
Slowly he stepped out of his clothes, avoiding the mirror. He had asked Jongdae to borrow his shower before bed and of course the sweet male agreed. So sweet, nice, loveable…  
Jongdae had prepared a lovely, romantic dinner. Three courses, heavenly. Of course Minseok had pigged out, eating almost everything placed in front of him. But Jongdae had looked so happy…  
He stepped into the shower, the warm water slightly soothing. Taking a deep breath, he leaned forward slightly and shoved two fingers down his throat.

When Minseok stepped out of the shower, his throat was feeling sore and a bit raw but his stomach wasn’t straining from the unusual amount of food anymore and he felt a bit better. He had screwed up but he had kind of managed to fix it. Changing into his pyjamas, he washed his mouth out carefully, using mouthwash to cover the acidious smell and drying his hair before stepping out. When he walked into the bedroom, Jongdae gave him a funny look before schooling his features and Minseok raised an eyebrow, heart skipping a beat as he forced himself to appear calm. He couldn’t had heard, right...?  
“...what?” he questioned when Jongdae didn’t say anything, earning a head shake in response.  
“Nothing, I was just thinking…” Jongdae’s voice trailed off slightly towards the end.  
“About what?” Minseok questioned, trying his best to sound casual.  
"Oh, nothing much... Just how truly great your ass looks, even in those baggy pyjama pants of yours~"  
Minseok turned to look at Jongdae and snorted as he was faced with his attempt at something between suggestive and innocent.  
"Nice try, mister. You're not getting any today, too tired," he replied simply, secretly relieved that it hadn't been anything else.  
Either way, Jongdae didn't seem too disappointed as he eventually managed to pull Minseok into bed, spooning him from behind as they snuggled, wrapped up in fluffy covers.  
The former sighed contently, arms wrapped around Minseok's waist to entwine with his fingers.  
"I love you," he mumbled into Minseok's hair, nose brushing softly against his scalp.  
"So, so... sososo much. You know that, right?"  
Minseok hummed in response, thumb stroking over Jongdae's fingers, his pretty hands.  
"I love you too," he finally mumbled, slowly drifting off to sleep with Jongdae's steady breathing in his hair.

○●○

"What is this?" Jongdae questioned, voice stiff, making Minseok's head jerk up.  
They were at Minseok's place, having crashed there after a late night in town, walking through parks and watching the sky for any star that might be able to fight the light pollution of the city.  
Minseok had always preferred to stay at Jongdae’s place and this was why, along with the fact that Jongdae's place was much nicer in general and smelled like him.  
He looked at the familiar white and green box, swallowing thickly, willing himself to keep calm.  
"It's just some pills, Jongdae," he reasoned. "Where did you find those anyway? They must be old..."  
The lies ran off his tongue like so many times before but this time, Jongdae's expression didn't soften like it was supposed to.  
"I was just looking for a cup, Minseok, don't try to change the subject. And don't lie to me, these are the pills you're always carrying with you, isn't it!? What are they, Minseok!?"  
"They're just vitamins, calm down. I don't see why you're so upset." Even though he forced himself to remain calm, Minseok could feel his voice waver slightly, especially as he could see Jongdae's expression tightening, his own heartbeat speeding up.  
"Stop lying to me, do you think I'm stupid!? Do you... Do you think I don't see what you're doing!? Diet pills, Minseok, they're diet pills! I..." he took a deep breath, his voice that had been steadily rising in volume, sounding strained as he spoke up again.  
"I love you, Minseok, but I can't do this. I'd hoped you'd tell me yourself but I guess not... I'm not stupid, you know, I'm not deaf, or blind. I see how little you eat, I feel how tiny you are, Minseok, I... I heard you throw up in the shower, twice! I couldn't believe it at first but... Oh, Minseok..." Jongdae's voice had slowly lost it's fire, cracking towards the end and it hurt Minseok to see him like that. Jongdae looked like he was going to cry and Minseok could feel a lump in his own throat as he stepped forward tentatively. Did Jongdae hate him, did he want to break up? The thought of it made Minseok’s chest ache as he carefully reached out to touch Jongdae's arm.  
Suddenly finding himself surrounded by strong arms, Minseok carefully buried his face in Jongdae's neck.  
“I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry, Minseok, I’m sorry…”  
Minseok let out a breathy laugh even though he didn’t find the situation any funny at all.  
“Why are you apologising?” he mumbled, trying to hide how his voice sounded thick with unshed tears by pressing his face softly against Jongdae’s neck.  
“If anything, shouldn't I be the one apologising?...”  
He could feel movement against his shoulder, Jongdae shaking his head.  
“I just… I feel like I’ve failed you. I mean, I’m your boyfriend for goodness sake, I should… I should always make you feel beautiful and wanted and adored and I… I don’t even know why you’re doing this and-”  
“Jongdae,” Minseok interrupted. He couldn’t stand hearing Jongdae, perfect, lovely, Jongdae, blame himself like that for Minseok’s failure.  
“It’s not your fault,” he assured softly, hands stroking comfortingly up and down Jongdae’s broad back.  
“Honestly, I… I don’t know why I’m doing this, Jongdae. I don’t know. I just wanted to lose a few kilos but I just, I feel like it didn’t help and, God, Jongdae, I’m just… I’m just so, so… I’m disgusting, Jongdae! I’m fat and gross and-”  
“Minseok!”  
This time it was Jongdae interrupting, pulling back so that Minseok got a good look of his terrified expression.  
“Minseok, sweetie, you’re none of that! You’re so, so amazing and beautiful and so skinny, Min. You’re so skinny and I don’t see how you can’t see it! I’m worried, Min… I mean, I know you’re not healthy but… I’m scared. I’m scared of losing you, you know?...”  
Looking into the other’s eyes, Minseok couldn’t help the tears that welled up as Jongdae pulled him back into the safe comfort of his embrace.  
“I’m sorry,” he sobbed, clinging to Jongdae who rocked him softly. “I’m so sorry”

In the end, Minseok had cried himself to sleep, spilling his heart to Jongdae who patiently comforted him, not questioning and only interrupting briefly every now and then to kiss his cheeks or dry his tears or offer assurances of his love.  
Waking up the next day, Minseok felt drained. He smiled softly at Jongdae’s sleeping face, his own face feeling stiff from dried tears. Slipping out of bed, he walked past the bathroom, out to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water, downing it quickly, forcing away thought of how he couldn’t accurately weigh himself after doing so. Contemplating for a minute, he debated whether or not to make some toast, finally settling on doing so. He knew that just because he’d told Jongdae, he wouldn’t just somehow manage to miraculously rid himself of the thoughts nagging at the back of his head, telling him to put the toaster down and pretend to have eaten when Jongdae woke up, but he felt that at least he was finally willing to try to put up a fight.

○●○

“You sure bout this?” Jongdae asked for what must have been the tenth time that evening and Minseok nodded, smiling softly.  
“I said it was fine, didn’t I?” he argued, sitting down on the bed. “Really, Dae. If I didn’t want to I’d tell you.”  
This seemed to calm Jongdae down as his shoulders visibly relaxed and he nodded, sitting down beside Minseok on the bed and kissing him softly.

Minseok slumped back onto the mattress, sweaty and spent and so full of love and happiness he thought he might be able to burst. While he still wasn’t happy with his body, he’d compiled to Jongdae’s request, stripping down completely before he laid down on the bed, eyes flickering nervously to the still lit bedside lamp. Jongdae had crawled over him and kissed him softly, hands trailing down Minseok’s sides with careful lightness. Pulling away, he had proceeded to love Minseok thoroughly, kissing every centimetre of his skin, each scar and mole, over his protruding ribs and hipbones, kissing each scar on his striped thighs. Minseok had almost felt like crying but was quickly distracted as Jongdae’s kisses grew more playful, travelling towards the insides of his thighs and up.  
By the end of it, Minseok had once again been teary eyed, but this time because of the pleasure Jongdae brought him as he skillfull stroked him towards a mindnumbing orgasm.

○●○

It had been almost a year since the day Jongdae had found the diet pills in Minseok’s cabinet and confronted him about it, seven months since Minseok had last purged and four since he’d last cut. The road towards recovery was rough and bumpy and Minseok still had days when he felt like eating was too much, when the thought of food made his stomach churn and he felt like “being healthy” wasn’t worth gaining so much weight. He’d started seeing a therapist, on Jongdae’s request, and last week Jongdae had brought home cake and they had celebrated. Minseok still wasn’t sure what they had celebrated, he was pretty sure it was just an excuse that Jongdae had come up with to eat cake in the middle of the week, but when he had questioned him, he had simply looked at Minseok with those eyes full of adoration and told him “we’re celebrating because I got to wake up today and you being the first thing I saw”.

Minseok wouldn’t pretend anything about it was perfect; his recovery or even his relationship with Jongdae. Just like any couple, they fought and yelled and cried over stupid thing just as much as serious matters, but in the end, he couldn't argue that waking up next to Jongdae truly was worth celebrating with cake in the middle of the week.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a first draft (and my first story posted online!) so any constructive criticism is highly welcome. I feel like this ended up a lot sappier than I originally intended but I have such a soft spot for xiuchen tbh... I'm also not compleatly used to the formattig yet so there might be some mistakes.


End file.
